The changing tides (a post sponsored by the 4 of Swords)

I know. It’s been a long time… I’m a horrible horrible person (self-castigation: on). I seriously have a sort of attention disorder, which when angry at me my mother always blamed on my selfish (spoilt child) nature… And you know, objectively speaking, she is likely to be at the very least partially right… I suck! (self-castigation: off).

Thing is, I’m someone who needs irregular mental breaks, isolation periods - in this house, this in general means that I stay in my room a lot… Then again, even when I lived in my apartment in town, I regularly needed those moments (days sometimes) when I would stay inside all day, speak little or not at all, etc. It’s the moments where I need to plan, to re-evaluate the day(s), to analyze what I see as progress and if need be readjust what I am doing to better reflect who I am.

Indeed, in many ways, I am a spontaneous shopper, a spontaneous eater (right now I’m having fantasies over Italian food… ahhhhhh… Italian fooooood), but I have trouble being spontaneous in little else. Regularly, that bl**dy Emperor nature of mine resurfaces and trying to get, keep and maintain a good and solid control over my life, my approach and how I behave in the external world. Oh my.

But time, and the Tarot, have shown me that I can never have total control, and you know, that’s actually pretty cool - if not reassuring!

More on Tarot, I’ve noticed that I increasingly use it for self-analysis, for self-understanding, and in order to see how I can put out the best of me out there and for myself. I’ve noticed that however much I try to do predictive readings, the one lesson I always learn from all my readings is: I’m less inclined to change than I think, I rather am - with time - discovering more and more what feels more natural and “real” to me.

And so I have been having a lot of fun (at least with hindsight) looking at former readings I misinterpreted and trying to understand why I chose to see it as I did and what that means about me. I’ve wondered (and doubted) that it could be interesting for others to read, because honestly when I write I have a tendency to do so in terms of me myself and moi because I see self-understanding as a tool to better understand - and accept - others and their limitation, and my love of others as a tool to better accept and love myself.

If you dig that, you are likely to enjoy what will come because this is more and more my approach to Tarot and all things that are conducive to my self-growth.

As a note, my daily reading today was Judgement (in the position of Event) , and the 2 of Cups (in the position of feelings). It seems very appropriate for this post as I am trying to change my approach in how I relate to others… I used the Universal Waite (pocket) Tarot and for some reason I literally obsessed over the gorgeous colors of the angel’s wings…! I’m so childish sometimes, eh?

Of course, I’m sure at least a child would note those rising from the grave and could at least form an entertaining Zombie analogy… Ah. To be a kid again.