Dream analysis reading - July 11th, 2007

So inspired by a study workshop I’ve joined, I am now studying my dream “issues”. I posted a reading I did on one dream already. The first part is the first part, the one relating to the last crush/lust/whatever. (why am I pretending: I did pull 2 cards to decipher that one too). Understand that for a whole period (several years), I also kept having dreams of dogs (!!!!!) suffering greatly. Some of those where gory in their violence, kind of like a horror movie. I ADORE DOGS. This said, I always felt helpless in my trying to help them. In one, the dog-mother and dog-pup that were suffering couldn’t be touched (it was painful). Yet, strangely they always came back for affection… (eh… I can recognize myself and my behavior in that… oh my. This said: I do see myself as actively working on that. Grmpf.)

A problem I have with creating spreads “on the fly” is that I - and my memory - have a hard time remembering which is which… So this time I made little notes as to which position represented what. As the number 7 is extremely present in my life right now - a number I associate with introspection, with study and analysis, with learning, with challenges as well - I chose a 7 card spread.

My question was: “What do I need to understand about these symbols in my dreams and what they represent to me?“
Pos. 1. The Guy: The Hierophant.

Pos. 2. His Shoes/sneakers: The Knight Of Pentacles.(That I kept carrying during part 1 of the last dream)

Pos. 3. Distance: Knight of Swords.

(interestingly, I was walking away from the man, although I put the distance as the strange detachment I had to all the violent themes: I knew/know I hate violence, yet it was like being forced to watch something horrible - and the only way to deal with it was detaching myself… like with TV.)

Pos. 4. The dogs: 8 of Wands.

(This was a general what part of me/what do they represent to me)

Pos. 5. The pain: 7 of Cups.

(I hate pain. And I hate the idea of inflicting pain on others, on witnessing others pain… Etc. This is also meant to represent my sense of helplessness in facing that pain.)

Pos. 6. The baby/doll: Knight of Cups.

(My first association when I had the dream was the “New Beginnings” card from the Answer deck: it pictures a young baby walking on all four. I got that card several times, as well as the “Fragility” card which pictures a baby carriage with no one around in an open field)

Pos. 7. What is the main theme that my dreams are trying to teach me: The Wheel of Fortune.

(From the bottom of the deck after shuffling and cutting/as a sort of underlying message. I added a card afterwards, as a “lighter side” but also influence - what I’m dealing with here: The 5 of Cups (!!!))

Tying it up together/Making the story whole:

(I always read a card in terms of its position, but also as under the influence of the nearby/adjoining cards… Took me forever to learn to do that and not systematically go: Quick action! when I saw the 8 of Wands).

I did initially note that there is one Knight missing and that is the energetic, proud and debonaire Knight of Wands (which I associate with the sign of Sagittarius/my rising sign). As I see him as extreme fickledness at worse, always inspired to try new (exciting and adventurous) things at best, this make me think of this - this lighthearted approach to life and to what it teaches, to the unexpected and the unknown - is missing. I have it in me, it’s just that even my lighthearted approach is somehow calculated I sometimes feel. I am lighthearted, but I particularly chose to be so right now because I’m tired of aggravating myself over what I can’t control. Yet I do it by taking control… (how Emperor-ish!).

The Hierophant in terms of The Man (lol @ that!) first gave me a sense of learning (from TM, but also from the relationship, the non-relationship-ness of it, from how I handled my emotions - nearby teen-romantic Knight of Cups…) Seriously, I avoid hating in general, but with this guy, I particularly can’t be angry at him when I think about it because he was never mean, and after the facts, I did get to go through some emotional unpleasantness (read: loss of control) which taught me about some of my weaknesses, some of my desires, some of my automatic behaviors: acting needy even though I don’t want to - and to be honest I feel nowadays that I am much more independent than I give myself credit for, etc. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes want/seek affection or recognition from others, rather I want to earn it, not beg for it. It is a behavior I am learning (trying to learn) to curb.

I see the Major Arcana not so much as what you can’t avoid in a fatal doomsday voice, but rather as a karmic lesson, and hey, afterwards it’s up to me how I handle it. These are the things that happen - that I feel, that I face - and that if I have created them, it wasn’t consciously. It is, therefore, also external influences (but without a particular - unless proven otherwise/other cards show otherwise - external individual’s influence… sort of a “factors added together create this“.) So I have to learn to manage this, to learn from this. He is interestingly caught between the dreamy-teen, the Knight of Cups which I associate with Pisces, and the control-freak (too-adult-too-soon) teen, the Knight of Pentacles which I associate with Virgo.

Interestingly, that’s the respective positions of my Nodes in Astrology - as in my South Node (basically, my understanding of the South Node is that it’s what comes easily… but it can be what keeps you from evolving further) is in Pisces (which means I easily fall prey to daydreaming, getting lost in fantasies and … maybe escapism - can materialize in so many different ways! -) and in my 3rd house, or house of communications if my astrological knowledge is correct. Indeed, I do communicate my dreams easily, and I can see how I sometimes get lost in sharing the wildest of fantasies… I do get a sense of elusiveness both from my understanding of the basic/caricatured traits of the Pisces and the Knight of Cups. Sort of shows you what you want… In this deck, the Knights are all “in company”/and specifically with women. This reminds me of how teenagers, while trying to figure out what they truly want and who they truly are spend a lot of time acting according to others’ perception of them. Ideally, we do things because they have meaning for us. Many of us of course have an inner-teen as much as an inner-child… Okay, at least I do!

Yet, my North Node/or True Node (which represents what, when learn, can be that thing that pushes you forward. It is also, I believe, meant to be a Karmic lesson) is in my 9th House/Virgo. That is, in how I think (in a larger sense, like life/etc. philosophy), in my beliefs and such, I’m much more selective/nit-picky about the details, like my things just so. I’ve noticed this tendency in me recently. I need details, and I need to process the details and make a whole story with it. It takes me a while to start up on things, but when I start… oh my! I’m driven and mad. (you should have seen when I decided to work out and all that! I was incredibly disciplined… for 3 months, but nevertheless, I proved to myself that I could be systematic!). I see these two nodes are a need to make them work together: dream the dreams, share them, but do something concrete with it afterwards. And indeed, I try. There is also the feeling - including with these cards and with the Hierophant in between - of not following something blindly, rather basing oneself on the concrete (outcomes, actions).

Back to the reading! The shoes are telling me that I’m obsessed with the details. I see this Knight (of Pentacles) as one that is very into “I need to earn your respect/admiration through my actions”. I do feel I took away his chance to make friends with me, not out of meanness or a desire to do ill… rather as a sense of self-protectiveness. Since I was being highly emotional, and I did not see him as capable of dealing with that highly emotional side of me - nor as me desiring to be in that weak position - I chose to part and cut ties. I remain kind of cold when we meet because I don’t want to find an excuse to get lost in delusions again. I do believe some things may not be meant to be, but that is why it is important for me to keep the illusions with a huge red label with that word in my mind, and the only things I truly want to allow close to me are the things I can work on, build on - like the kind the Knight of Pentacles would appreciate - or even keep a minimum of distance between me and the said thing. At his best this knight is fertile land, at his worst… he is dry crackled earth. I see the Knight of Cups as capable of emotional manipulation, not necessarily out meanness - probably believes in what he says…! - but as a sort of emotional immaturity. I’m that, sometimes!

I do try to embrace the principle of detachment - which is what I constantly see in the expression of this Knight -, that doesn’t mean not appreciate, rather accept that things come and go. Appreciate now, but not count on it later. At the same time, my personality is that when I do get “into things” or trust someone, it’s a flood of emotions and what nots. I’m always afraid to freak out people, because with all that, I do remain fairly independent and all - and yes, I know I said that already… - but it creates an image of neediness I extremely dislike. Then again, maybe I’m needy in some ways, I just have chosen that it was a flaw! If I count on something/expect something back, I see it as an addiction - and most of all an open door to disappointments - and as that escape the Knight of Cups in me wants so badly. But to me, escapism is only interesting if I find its root, its cause, and yank it the hell out of my mind/heart/soul. That is why the ideal me is capable of giving but never expects anything in return. As our relationships show a lot about ourselves - or so I say -, I have noted that in my past, the second I relied on a man, I cut the ties. This is no joke. For some reason, I have no issue with women - I expect them to show compassion for my weaknesses for some reason. Now, men… And I know that it is a darker side of me I need to face… Argh. So many dark sides of me I need to face. I’m so effin’ imperfect!

And thus comes the detachment card itself: the Knight of Swords. This guy, in this deck, makes me smile. The guy that tried to do too much (I associate it with Gemini, and interestingly enough - for me - I read at Bob Marks astrology that he believes it’s the sign that masters multi-tasking best!). This guy isn’t even really on his horse, damn it! And for one that is presumably trying to save the dame, she isn’t very well treated! This guy is the one driven to make a point, with very rigid thoughts and beliefs… He is the King of Swords at his worse! Of course, sometimes he may not even know what he believes in, and sorts of follows the “popular train of thought”…

To me, and particularly in this position, I see this Knight as my mind at its worst: it sort of wants to control everything - emotions shown, actions taken, what I share what I don’t share. And he sort of is very quick, very woosh! another mission, woosh! another ideal to fight for… In terms of distancing, this guy is probably great at it. Cutting and cold (note how I said that about the previous! *sigh*) is certainly something I see this guy capable of. A sort of says just what can hurt the most… I hope that’s not me…! Since this is a general detachment, as in from the pain I see as well, I see it as my desire to fight for a cause (the cause being saving/helping those in pain/suffering), yet doing it in an awkward manner. At the same time - and this is where it gets really interesting and reminded me of something which I didn’t know… - from here on, I see a strong connection with two past memories.

First memory: I was in Paris, 16 or something. A guy actually kicked his dog. I was afraid. Scared as hell. I did nothing (I saved my own ass). I can’t believe how much this memory still… makes me angry at myself! Whenever I mention that I see myself as a coward: that’s the root! That and the other memory of when I was 13 or so, of a young girl/guy that was teased (the hesitation in my description: thus the teasing) verbally (made fun of) and I did nothing. I did not defend her/him. I don’t even know if she spoke English. And honestly, I hate myself for both of those things. I hate my cowardliness as I truly believe that it is my duty and responsibility to fight against injustice whenever I can. And honestly - like not in a scary position - I do believe I should risk whatever to defend what is right. I didn’t, twice. And yes that makes me the lowest of all low lives in my book. Mind you, if you Reader of this blog, experienced a similar situation, I do think what counts is that you noted it, and… Whatever. It’s cool really!

But me…? I have no excuse. I can not allow myself any such weakness in my book. It is the perfect example of how I am not capable of being in a position of power. (Unless it’s over myself). I wont say I suck because I am beyond that frame of mind. But I do have zero excuse. And it does make me quite ashamed of myself. It shows I have a big mouth but am a coward underneath. I have been in position of weaknesses, where I was shoved down stairs, picked on, insulted. I have been the underdog, I have no excuse as to not understanding how it feels and not fighting against it. It is truly unacceptable for me to stand and watch.

But anyways… Interesting how the “fight for ideals” card (Knight of S.) plays against “do right/act responsibly” card (Knight of P.). In terms of the missing Knight (the Knight of W.), when doing self-development work I do see Wands as the ego driven suit. Therefore the King and Queen have the healthiest egos at their best (I see the Queens and Kings as equals in terms of mastery, but different in terms of expression of that mastery). The knight is still learning. And I can say that in terms of ego, I’m just now learning to find a healthy balance.

Then comes the 8 of Wands (action! swift! quick! - a sort of “who will get there first” vibe from this one too) as the dog. Now in terms of spontaneity, dogs are it man. Also, to me, it is easy to judge a dog on his actions. I know how weird that sounds, but human beings always make me wonder how genuine they are - okay, often, maybe not always… - but dogs, they’re genuine! They’re real! Here! Now! They need attention? They ask for it! Now! They want something else? They ask for it now! No guessing games. It’s very straight forward. (My ideal). Now, ironically, I try to be as straight forward as possible, but I am human, and thus I do calculate how much of myself I share in some contexts to not be the pup/dog that waits for attention while owner has completely forgotten. Faithful the dogs are. I am faithful in many ways. But if I don’t see results after a while, or if I feel stuck/restrained. When I look at this picture of racing man and animal … I get a strong sense of freedom, and dogs are “chained” to (their) humans. Emotionally, physically - relying on them for food, shelter, etc. Now there are great humans who love their dogs wholeheartedly. But I do see some dogs that… just are there to be cheap watchdogs. Barely fed. Personally, I know I freak out when I feel restrained - generally and in all contexts. Actually I’ve been focusing this year and the past year on dealing with some constraints, such as responsibility - towards work, towards others that count on me.

The 7 of Cups is the dream card for me, it’s me when I’m so lost in my hypothesis on what I want, where I want to go… that I’m lost in it! Not necessarily doing anything! This creates pain? I know in my life this has made me feel stuck - during the period when I had those dreams, I felt incredibly stuck. I saw myself as a zombie. I lived and all, but I wasn’t thirsting for life (like in the 8 of Wands), nor dreaming something beautiful - and living the dream - like the Knight of Cups can, I was rather lost in a sea of fantasies, hopes… and believed I would never get out. Of course, this is also the “keep(ing) your options open” card for me, and I can see how the inaction is me trying to decide (decide decide decide! on and on!) what to do. Right on top, opposite is the Knight of Pentacles who is the planner extraordinaire for me… He will proceed at some point, he just needs to plan well. Well, opposite him, the 7 of cups makes me think of plans that remain plans eternally. And with the nearby 8 of Wands particularly… I see 8s as creating results/reaping results (for good or ill), and this comes after the 7s who remind me of study, plan, plan… maybe isolating oneself in the process (7 of Swords), or maybe looking for a sense of direction (the Chariot), that impulse to charge forward with.

The Knight of Cups I’ve already covered, but as the “baby” I see it as young dreams… Young hopes…

The most puzzling card for me was the Wheel of Fortune. This said, I do feel I’m at a point in my life where it is up to me what direction I turn myself to. I do see myself as being in a position to change how I act, react and live. I am going through a process where I am (partly) more certain of what I want, where I want to be, and what I want to do with my life. I have gone from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat. That doesn’t mean there wont be unexpected events - I think that is impossible -, nor challenges. But I do feel that if I am certain of who I am and what I want now, then it gives me the tool (like the Magician) to handle what is coming.

With the 5 of Cups, that’s “coming to terms with the past” as far as I see it. That’s the possibility to get closure. (still think I’m a coward!)

Well, I’ll got to sleep on that one!